Beth Is Not 14 Days Pregnant 7/27/13

It's hard to devise a not due date. I have to make an assumption about the assumption people make about how pregnant Beth is. (And you know what happens when we assume? That's right- it makes you a complete ass.) Anyhoo, instead of conducting an informal poll on the subject and calculating the mean (and incorrect) data, as well as for the longevity of this this blog, I've decided to use our wedding date as the date Beth didn't get pregnant. How do I know she didn't get pregnant on our wedding day? Use your imagination, but trust me, I know. :-/

So, Beth is 14 days (and counting) not pregnant. Happy Anniversary Honey!

Also, in case you were wondering, I am now 1890 weeks old. HOORAY!
Or 434 months.
Or whatever the hell bizarre time ratio mothers use to calculate the age of their child these days.

Beth just calls me 36 years old. Then again, Beth is not my mother.

She is the mother of no one. Especially not an unborn child.

{Big Sunday post tomorrow, which is how its gonna be from now on. Consider this blog your new Garfield, or Cathy, or Beetle Bailey if you're in my coveted "over 65" demographic.}

Being Nonpregnant* Is Business -- And Business Is Good! 7/22/13

Two days ago when I started this blog, I could have never dreamed of all the luxuries and benefits its success would provide us: huge quantities of exotic coffee (did you know they make something called a "TRENTA"? It makes you see into the future), drinks by the pool (extra gin for her!), an exotic dinner (ocean fish with extra mercury please!), a big flat screen TV (ok, we already had that and its not really very big, but I'm running out of things to list...) The point is now that we've gotten a taste of the beautiful life it'd be hard pressed to give it up. So then of course this inevitable conversation happened.

Beth: You may be jinxing us with your blog thingy you know.

Me: So what? We already said we don't care if we don't ever have children.

Beth: No, I mean what if I actually GET pregnant? Then you won't have anything to write about.


And then I had a realization.


If I ever think, even for a SECOND, that this blog is in any conceivable way, shape, or form getting in the way of my newlywed sexy time, I will shut this bastard down faster than you can say Plan B.

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In other news, here is what it would have looked like if I had been passing the crack pipe to my nonpregnant* bride on our wedding day. We should could have done it because there was no possibility of her having a crack baby. And I think you know why.

"Nonpregnant is a word. Yes it is. Here, look it up.

Fact #122 About Beth -- She Is A Planner 7/21/13

Beth loves to plan. She is AWESOME at it. In Our itinerary for our trip to NYC was a carefully prepared, fully detailed two page Excel spreadsheet that had up to the minute details of when and where to be, contact information, plan B's, and even how large of a meal to eat for each block of time. It was WAY better than THIS one:

Nowhere on the spreadsheet did it list "ingest prenatal supplements," "stop to look at the Baby Bjorn store," or "eat a big dinner because I'm eating for two y'all! (LOL *wink* ROFLMAO)!" All of that would have been silly because Beth is not pregnant.
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Our Little Peanut 7/21/13

I was gonna wait to show y'all tomorrow, but with all the interest and activity on this page I was just TOO excited to wait. So with out further adieu, here's a picture of our little peanut:

Well, actually that's Mr. Peanut photoshopped in there because there's nothing else in Beth's tummy. Except maybe for some coffee and a banana she had for breakfast. In fact, that's not an ultrasound of Beth's womb at all. There's no reason for any such photo to exist, because of course, Beth is not pregnant.



(This is how I feel every morning when I wake up.)

Morning "Boot Camp" 7/20/13

This morning Beth woke me up early to go to the gym. It was my first ever "Boot Camp" class -- and boy was I nervous! We've been eating terribly the last couple months and now that we're back from NYC its time to shed a couple of pounds. No photos today! We looked yukky and sweaty! Beth isn't trying to keep extra pregnancy weight off, nor was she worried about hurting the baby during vigorous exercise. That's because Beth is not pregnant.

Beth Is Not Pregnant. 7/13/13. Her Wedding Day.

Here is Beth two hours after she got married. She is drinking champagne. That's because she is not worried about poisoning a fetus with alcohol. She is not pregnant.

This is Beth late into the night after The Rizzaks concert, also on her wedding day. Here she can be described as "Full On Drunk," and possibly even "Somewhat Trashed." She is in rare form, and quite fun in this state. She is in no danger of having a baby with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, because she is in no danger of having a baby.

She is not pregnant.

More exciting updates to come.