The News You've All Been Unanticipating

I promised you an announcement last week.



But we wanted to be really sure.



Sooooooooooo



(Drumroll.......)



Here it is. YOU GUESSED IT!!!





Beth is not pregnant.

(What did you expect?)


Please issue all plotline complaints to management.


Now here's a dancing dog.

I knew I left this blog somewhere! (AKA, "Did you check the fridge?")

Ok, so it's been almost a couple of months since the last update on BINP. I do apologize for that- but we have been busy. Granted, not having to deal with a bunch of pregnancy crap has, in fact, made it easier to get all of these other things done, but I guess if I don't keep you updated as we go, then you won't know what you're not missing.

So, you know, my bad.

So I'm back by unpopular demand with a new post every Sunday to let you, the reader, dive deeply into the doldrums known as our journey of lack of gestation.

And just to make it up to you, there's a BIG ANNOUNCEMENT coming up on next Sunday's post!!!

So check back next week- you won't want to miss it!

Feed Us, Fetus. 8/26/13

(Today's title is simply a lesson in the importance of a well placed comma.)


Sorry it's been awhile since I've posted. Beth has been sick. The symptoms?

Nausea. Headaches. Problems with spicy food. Dizziness.

Sound familiar?

That's right... It's...

GASTRITIS!!

Of course with all of her various symptoms, the pregnancy questions immediately intensified to previously unseen proportions- so much so that she actually took a real pregnancy test. This is what our lives have come to. Even with an over 99.9% chance of not being pregnant, there are those who forced doubt into her gastritis stricken brain.

SUCK IT, Naysayers! (Also, Beth peed on that.)

So in addition to our household having a bland diet, and Beth's random bouts of headaches, stomach aches, feeling tired, and being asked repeatedly if she was now indeed pregnant, any attempts of me making a "move" were rebuked in a manner not totally dissimilar from the animation below- thus further insuring that she is not, in fact, pregnant.

So screw thank you dear reader for your concern. And don't forget to subscribe and/or check back next week for another update!

A Wedding Pic. 8/25/13

I don't like to put too many images of what we actually look like on here, but I did think I owed it to you, the reader, to at least see me and Beth during one of our happier moments during our non-shotgun-wedding.

Enjoy!

Much Older Than 16 And Not Pregnant 8/7/13

Sometimes people comprehend better visually.

So graphs.

I made graphs.

Hopefully these help illustrate the current situation in a quick and easy manner.

There will be a test at the end of the week.

What To Expect When You're Not Expecting 8/1/13

Beth and I don't really sit around much talking about baby names. There's really no reason to. And if we DID ever have a baby, I think I'd wait and name it the first word I read the minute he/she was born. "Welcome to the world baby Cytotec(misoprostil)!" However, here's a list of baby names I'd like to think we've already eliminated:

Joshua
Jana
John
Jill
Jessa
Jinger
Joseph
Josiah
Joy-Anna
Jedidiah
Jeremiah
Jason
James
Justin
Jackson
Johannah
Jennifer
Jordyn
Josie

(At any given time we are expecting less children than these people.)

Here is the list of names I propose to chose from:

"The Hawk"
General Beauregard
Toofess Joe Jackson
Pepito Incarnacion Jesus Sanchez III
Essay/Ese/SA
MR. (or MRS.)
Doctor
Jediddiah (notice the two "D's")
James Brown
Or any of these + Jr.

P.S. -- Fun fact of the day. Enjoy the "freedom" that you get here in the old USofA where you can name your baby "Asshat" or "...$loo(P..." or "PeePeePooPooPants0724" or "Apple." In many other countries you can't. And while Denmark's list of 7000 appropriate names might be a little strict, I do think you should have to pay a hefty fine to name your kid "Pilot Inspektor." Consider it a permanent vanity plate purchase.

Beth Is Not 14 Days Pregnant 7/27/13

It's hard to devise a not due date. I have to make an assumption about the assumption people make about how pregnant Beth is. (And you know what happens when we assume? That's right- it makes you a complete ass.) Anyhoo, instead of conducting an informal poll on the subject and calculating the mean (and incorrect) data, as well as for the longevity of this this blog, I've decided to use our wedding date as the date Beth didn't get pregnant. How do I know she didn't get pregnant on our wedding day? Use your imagination, but trust me, I know. :-/

So, Beth is 14 days (and counting) not pregnant. Happy Anniversary Honey!

Also, in case you were wondering, I am now 1890 weeks old. HOORAY!
Or 434 months.
Or whatever the hell bizarre time ratio mothers use to calculate the age of their child these days.

Beth just calls me 36 years old. Then again, Beth is not my mother.

She is the mother of no one. Especially not an unborn child.

{Big Sunday post tomorrow, which is how its gonna be from now on. Consider this blog your new Garfield, or Cathy, or Beetle Bailey if you're in my coveted "over 65" demographic.}

Being Nonpregnant* Is Business -- And Business Is Good! 7/22/13

Two days ago when I started this blog, I could have never dreamed of all the luxuries and benefits its success would provide us: huge quantities of exotic coffee (did you know they make something called a "TRENTA"? It makes you see into the future), drinks by the pool (extra gin for her!), an exotic dinner (ocean fish with extra mercury please!), a big flat screen TV (ok, we already had that and its not really very big, but I'm running out of things to list...) The point is now that we've gotten a taste of the beautiful life it'd be hard pressed to give it up. So then of course this inevitable conversation happened.

Beth: You may be jinxing us with your blog thingy you know.

Me: So what? We already said we don't care if we don't ever have children.

Beth: No, I mean what if I actually GET pregnant? Then you won't have anything to write about.


And then I had a realization.


If I ever think, even for a SECOND, that this blog is in any conceivable way, shape, or form getting in the way of my newlywed sexy time, I will shut this bastard down faster than you can say Plan B.

------------

In other news, here is what it would have looked like if I had been passing the crack pipe to my nonpregnant* bride on our wedding day. We should could have done it because there was no possibility of her having a crack baby. And I think you know why.

"Nonpregnant is a word. Yes it is. Here, look it up.

Fact #122 About Beth -- She Is A Planner 7/21/13

Beth loves to plan. She is AWESOME at it. In Our itinerary for our trip to NYC was a carefully prepared, fully detailed two page Excel spreadsheet that had up to the minute details of when and where to be, contact information, plan B's, and even how large of a meal to eat for each block of time. It was WAY better than THIS one:

Nowhere on the spreadsheet did it list "ingest prenatal supplements," "stop to look at the Baby Bjorn store," or "eat a big dinner because I'm eating for two y'all! (LOL *wink* ROFLMAO)!" All of that would have been silly because Beth is not pregnant.
.

Our Little Peanut 7/21/13

I was gonna wait to show y'all tomorrow, but with all the interest and activity on this page I was just TOO excited to wait. So with out further adieu, here's a picture of our little peanut:

Well, actually that's Mr. Peanut photoshopped in there because there's nothing else in Beth's tummy. Except maybe for some coffee and a banana she had for breakfast. In fact, that's not an ultrasound of Beth's womb at all. There's no reason for any such photo to exist, because of course, Beth is not pregnant.



(This is how I feel every morning when I wake up.)

Morning "Boot Camp" 7/20/13

This morning Beth woke me up early to go to the gym. It was my first ever "Boot Camp" class -- and boy was I nervous! We've been eating terribly the last couple months and now that we're back from NYC its time to shed a couple of pounds. No photos today! We looked yukky and sweaty! Beth isn't trying to keep extra pregnancy weight off, nor was she worried about hurting the baby during vigorous exercise. That's because Beth is not pregnant.

Beth Is Not Pregnant. 7/13/13. Her Wedding Day.

Here is Beth two hours after she got married. She is drinking champagne. That's because she is not worried about poisoning a fetus with alcohol. She is not pregnant.

This is Beth late into the night after The Rizzaks concert, also on her wedding day. Here she can be described as "Full On Drunk," and possibly even "Somewhat Trashed." She is in rare form, and quite fun in this state. She is in no danger of having a baby with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, because she is in no danger of having a baby.

She is not pregnant.

More exciting updates to come.