Welcome New Readers!

So glad to have you peering into our pretty basic, non-breeding lives.

If you haven't been able to stay up to date with what hasn't been going on, you can start from the earliest post and scroll upward. Or don't. It really doesn't matter how you read it because nothing has changed. Beth is not pregnant.

I know it's a little early for Easter Eggs...

Happy New Year!  Placenta Party!

So I haven't written in a while and for that I apologize.  In fact, it's been nine (9) months since I've last written. Yes, we could have in fact had a baby since I last wrote. However, as you might have guessed, I have no (after)birth pics to instagram, no black and white cuddly infants laying on white cotton to tweet, no weird pointy head purple baby pics to post on FB. However if Beth HAD been pregnant, I'm sure she would have kept up a great work out regimen. She's quite dedicated.

Lift With Your Legs Honey!

In fact, maybe she should get pregnant just so she can run these classes at the "Y."  I really don't see how this wouldn't/couldn't be a cash cow (it's a popular phrase.  I'm not saying pregnant women are cows.  Sheesh):

PUUUUSH!  Wait...  Not like that!

Anyway, I just thought I'd check in and say hi, you know, all that stuff.

So now's the point in time where you click on BethIsNotPregnant's sister site to see the current status update:

click here--->  IsBethPregnant.blogspot.com   <---click here

Let me know what you think of all the new updates.


Until later (which is hopefully sooner.)


-M

Now THAT's A Pregnant Cow!

How To Lose The Baby Weight (Step 1: Don't have a baby.)

Baby Weight is a Bitch.

So over the past few months we've been getting the same question repeatedly:

 "There haven't been any new blog posts for awhile. Is Beth pregnant?"

To have an easy resource to answer this question, I have created a second blog.  Feel free to check it as often as you'd like for up-to-the-minute updates on Beth's gestation progress.

http://IsBethPregnant.blogspot.com/

One of the reasons I haven't posted recently is that I've been trying to get my CD released.  (Shameless plug.)  If you'd like to preorder it you can do so by clicking here.

{Please note:  If you go and like my facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/MarsHallYall,) I will be releasing a free track a week for six weeks.  I'm honored if you choose to buy the CD in it's entirety for $5, but just know that with patience you can also have the whole thing for free.}

Moving along...

How do I know Beth still isn't pregnant?  She's lost weight.  We both have.  She didn't really need to lose any weight, but I think it was her nice way of motivating me.  I didn't really think I needed to lose weight, but after losing almost 30 lbs and still looking pretty much the same, I now realize how far behind the eight ball I really was.   Now, in fact, we've both lost enough weight that now people are asking us how we did it.  So I'll take today's post to be a kind of "How To" guide as to how to lose excess weight- be it baby related or otherwise.

Take Lots of Walks With Your New Baby

First of all, if Beth were pregnant I would tell her that it's important to remember that when you're pregnant, YOU'RE EATING FOR TWO!!!!!  And your fetus is a greedy, chubby, little ball of cells growing as fast as possible.  Therefore, don't worry about getting the 24 piece Chicken McNuggets, extra ranch on your pizza, finishing the whole quart of Rocky Road, adding in a fifth and sixth meal of the day comprised of fried chicken, or mac and cheese, or fried mac and cheese.  (Actually KFC does a nice job of mixing all of those things into a disposable bowl for you taking out all the guess work of a 3000 calorie consumption meal.)  That extra 80 pounds in 'baby weight' will slide right off immediately after delivering that little 8 pound bundle of joy!  But just in case it doesn't, now we know how to DIY...

My Weight Loss Hints:

1) Cut down on your soda consumption.  If you drink 2 liters of coke a day, mix in 1 liter of diet coke.  Going half and half cuts WAY down on the calorie consumption.

2) Prepackaged diet foods:  If you get those "diet" frozen dinners, you can eat twice as many (at least).  It's so much more satisfying to eat two dinners instead of one!  Also, anything marked "Gluten Free" or "Low Fat" is guaranteed to be extra healthy. In general, it's always better to eat prepackaged food.  If you cook your own food at home (yuck!), your meal has no special labeling, so you'll have no idea how healthy it really is.

3) Exercise.  If you go to the gym and you hit the treadmill for 20 minutes and work off 200 calories, that's 200 more calories you can eat right when you get home- I suggest a few giant spoonfuls of peanut butter!!  Then as a reward you can go ahead and have some ice cream and maybe even a candy bar and a double stuffed oreo or three- I mean hey- you went to the gym!  Amirite?

4) Booze.  Alcohol is empty calories.  So it's best to forgo eating at all on days when you're going to drink heavily.  It increases how drunk you get anyway.  If you're going to drink heavily for a number of days in a row, remember, you can safely go without eating for at least 21 days!  If you're going to drink heavily everyday indefinitely, you might want to mix in some lean protein like a sack of 2am Krystal burgers.  You'll probably just puke it up anyway.

5) Juice.  The 'liquid diet' isn't exclusive to just alcohol.  For just $60 a day you can get three juices to drink every day for like a week.  If that's all you consume- you'll lose weight fast!  It may seem impossible that you can lose 10 pounds in a week buy only drinking liquids, but your local juice bar will prove it to you for as little as $400.

6) Laxatives.  (Warning- this is Expert Level weight loss.  Master Level weight loss if you have a job that requires a lot of movement.)

7) Surgery- Let's be honest.  The easiest way is to lose weight is to not have to "work" for it.  You'll just do better next time, right?  Right.

[Disclaimer- Not responsible for damage done to your heart by following any of the above weight loss tips.]

Lookin Good Babe!

Keeping the HR in Christmas (That's where you should file your complaints, anyway.)

"Shit."

Welcome to the first annual Christmas edition of the BINP blog (and the thirty-somethingth Christmas edition of Beth herself not being pregnant.)

It's possible that, although I write to you in the second person, you have been perceiving me in a form of almost biblical omniscience as I present our narrative. Since you are getting to know me as this all-present facilitator/provider/translator of our (lack of) information to you on a irregular basis, I think now is the best time to do a "compare and contrast" of our likenesses to the holy family.

Here we go:

I am white (pretty much.)
Jesus was also white (not really.)
However, Beth is not pregnant with me (or anyone else for that matter.)

We have a shit ton of animals, ergo, our house very often resembles a stable.
However, we certainly do have "room for a bed," or rather, a whole room for a bed.
You are welcome to it if you come and visit.

Believe it or not, there are a few subtle differences between Bethlehem and Memphis.
(Although the Med and the Manger probably share a lot of similarities.)

We do have a bit of gold around the house, but not much.
There's probably frankincense in a drawer somewhere in the house if I looked hard enough.
But I have no clue what myrrh is.

If Beth gave birth on December 25th, I too would exclaim, "What child is this?!?"
Instead, it will be more likely that I open a gift and exclaim, "Chiiiild! What IS this?"

My bet would be that we have more Christmas decorations up than they did. More lights anyway.

A lot of people think I look Jewish.
I'll bet the same thing happened to Jesus.

Last, but certainly most important--

Preggers.

Baby Fever (AKA When Your Baby Gets Sick)

Yeah I know- It's been awhile (again) since I've posted. I haven't forgotten. We've just been so busy with our first Halloween of Beth not being pregnant (we dressed her womb up by hanging a sign on it that said "M-T," our first Thanksgiving (Beth kept dropping hints about how she was "eating for one,") and our soon to happen first Christmas. But more about that in next post.

This week I thought I'd post an interview I did awhile back with a good friend of Beth's. She also is not pregnant, so I wanted to give the blog some depth by getting some perspective outside our own household.

Without further adieu, I present the transcript to you now.

******

BF (Beth's Friend): So what exactly are we doing here?

ME (Me): Yeah, so I write a blog about how Beth isn't pregnant, and since you're not pregnant, I wanted to interview you for it if that's ok.

BF: [pause...] I don't get it.

ME: Well basically I chronicle how topsy-turvy our life isn't and all of the things we don't do because of Beth's lack of being "with child."

BF: [Empty Stare]

ME: Ok great. So tell me what it's like to not be pregnant. I mean, do you feel different? Do you feel like you're missing a "glow," or that you don't have some odd food cravings that you otherwise might?

BF: (To Beth) Is he always like this?

ME: I'm not being weird or anything. I mean- its not like I'm asking about your sex life, like if the reason you're not pregnant is whether you take the pill or use condoms. Or if you're abstinent for some weird reason- I mean it could be that you have high moral standards, or that you haven't met "the one" just yet, although that seems unlikely- that there would just be one, know what I mean? Or it could be a physical thing- like you have some kind of issue with your lady parts that you're resolving with your doctor before you hop back on the hump train. Or maybe you use the ol' Catholic Method...

BF: Dude- what the hell are you talking about?

ME: Maybe you know it better as the "pull and pray?"

BF: Oh my god I am SO out of here... (Takes off microphone)

Me: Uh, so I guess we're done then?

******

Stay tuned for future features with other unfertilized females.

So Wreck Into Someone Else?

The News You've All Been Unanticipating

I promised you an announcement last week.



But we wanted to be really sure.



Sooooooooooo



(Drumroll.......)



Here it is. YOU GUESSED IT!!!





Beth is not pregnant.

(What did you expect?)


Please issue all plotline complaints to management.


Now here's a dancing dog.

I knew I left this blog somewhere! (AKA, "Did you check the fridge?")

Ok, so it's been almost a couple of months since the last update on BINP. I do apologize for that- but we have been busy. Granted, not having to deal with a bunch of pregnancy crap has, in fact, made it easier to get all of these other things done, but I guess if I don't keep you updated as we go, then you won't know what you're not missing.

So, you know, my bad.

So I'm back by unpopular demand with a new post every Sunday to let you, the reader, dive deeply into the doldrums known as our journey of lack of gestation.

And just to make it up to you, there's a BIG ANNOUNCEMENT coming up on next Sunday's post!!!

So check back next week- you won't want to miss it!

Feed Us, Fetus. 8/26/13

(Today's title is simply a lesson in the importance of a well placed comma.)


Sorry it's been awhile since I've posted. Beth has been sick. The symptoms?

Nausea. Headaches. Problems with spicy food. Dizziness.

Sound familiar?

That's right... It's...

GASTRITIS!!

Of course with all of her various symptoms, the pregnancy questions immediately intensified to previously unseen proportions- so much so that she actually took a real pregnancy test. This is what our lives have come to. Even with an over 99.9% chance of not being pregnant, there are those who forced doubt into her gastritis stricken brain.

SUCK IT, Naysayers! (Also, Beth peed on that.)

So in addition to our household having a bland diet, and Beth's random bouts of headaches, stomach aches, feeling tired, and being asked repeatedly if she was now indeed pregnant, any attempts of me making a "move" were rebuked in a manner not totally dissimilar from the animation below- thus further insuring that she is not, in fact, pregnant.

So screw thank you dear reader for your concern. And don't forget to subscribe and/or check back next week for another update!

A Wedding Pic. 8/25/13

I don't like to put too many images of what we actually look like on here, but I did think I owed it to you, the reader, to at least see me and Beth during one of our happier moments during our non-shotgun-wedding.

Enjoy!

Much Older Than 16 And Not Pregnant 8/7/13

Sometimes people comprehend better visually.

So graphs.

I made graphs.

Hopefully these help illustrate the current situation in a quick and easy manner.

There will be a test at the end of the week.

What To Expect When You're Not Expecting 8/1/13

Beth and I don't really sit around much talking about baby names. There's really no reason to. And if we DID ever have a baby, I think I'd wait and name it the first word I read the minute he/she was born. "Welcome to the world baby Cytotec(misoprostil)!" However, here's a list of baby names I'd like to think we've already eliminated:

Joshua
Jana
John
Jill
Jessa
Jinger
Joseph
Josiah
Joy-Anna
Jedidiah
Jeremiah
Jason
James
Justin
Jackson
Johannah
Jennifer
Jordyn
Josie

(At any given time we are expecting less children than these people.)

Here is the list of names I propose to chose from:

"The Hawk"
General Beauregard
Toofess Joe Jackson
Pepito Incarnacion Jesus Sanchez III
Essay/Ese/SA
MR. (or MRS.)
Doctor
Jediddiah (notice the two "D's")
James Brown
Or any of these + Jr.

P.S. -- Fun fact of the day. Enjoy the "freedom" that you get here in the old USofA where you can name your baby "Asshat" or "...$loo(P..." or "PeePeePooPooPants0724" or "Apple." In many other countries you can't. And while Denmark's list of 7000 appropriate names might be a little strict, I do think you should have to pay a hefty fine to name your kid "Pilot Inspektor." Consider it a permanent vanity plate purchase.

Beth Is Not 14 Days Pregnant 7/27/13

It's hard to devise a not due date. I have to make an assumption about the assumption people make about how pregnant Beth is. (And you know what happens when we assume? That's right- it makes you a complete ass.) Anyhoo, instead of conducting an informal poll on the subject and calculating the mean (and incorrect) data, as well as for the longevity of this this blog, I've decided to use our wedding date as the date Beth didn't get pregnant. How do I know she didn't get pregnant on our wedding day? Use your imagination, but trust me, I know. :-/

So, Beth is 14 days (and counting) not pregnant. Happy Anniversary Honey!

Also, in case you were wondering, I am now 1890 weeks old. HOORAY!
Or 434 months.
Or whatever the hell bizarre time ratio mothers use to calculate the age of their child these days.

Beth just calls me 36 years old. Then again, Beth is not my mother.

She is the mother of no one. Especially not an unborn child.

{Big Sunday post tomorrow, which is how its gonna be from now on. Consider this blog your new Garfield, or Cathy, or Beetle Bailey if you're in my coveted "over 65" demographic.}

Being Nonpregnant* Is Business -- And Business Is Good! 7/22/13

Two days ago when I started this blog, I could have never dreamed of all the luxuries and benefits its success would provide us: huge quantities of exotic coffee (did you know they make something called a "TRENTA"? It makes you see into the future), drinks by the pool (extra gin for her!), an exotic dinner (ocean fish with extra mercury please!), a big flat screen TV (ok, we already had that and its not really very big, but I'm running out of things to list...) The point is now that we've gotten a taste of the beautiful life it'd be hard pressed to give it up. So then of course this inevitable conversation happened.

Beth: You may be jinxing us with your blog thingy you know.

Me: So what? We already said we don't care if we don't ever have children.

Beth: No, I mean what if I actually GET pregnant? Then you won't have anything to write about.


And then I had a realization.


If I ever think, even for a SECOND, that this blog is in any conceivable way, shape, or form getting in the way of my newlywed sexy time, I will shut this bastard down faster than you can say Plan B.

------------

In other news, here is what it would have looked like if I had been passing the crack pipe to my nonpregnant* bride on our wedding day. We should could have done it because there was no possibility of her having a crack baby. And I think you know why.

"Nonpregnant is a word. Yes it is. Here, look it up.

Fact #122 About Beth -- She Is A Planner 7/21/13

Beth loves to plan. She is AWESOME at it. In Our itinerary for our trip to NYC was a carefully prepared, fully detailed two page Excel spreadsheet that had up to the minute details of when and where to be, contact information, plan B's, and even how large of a meal to eat for each block of time. It was WAY better than THIS one:

Nowhere on the spreadsheet did it list "ingest prenatal supplements," "stop to look at the Baby Bjorn store," or "eat a big dinner because I'm eating for two y'all! (LOL *wink* ROFLMAO)!" All of that would have been silly because Beth is not pregnant.
.

Our Little Peanut 7/21/13

I was gonna wait to show y'all tomorrow, but with all the interest and activity on this page I was just TOO excited to wait. So with out further adieu, here's a picture of our little peanut:

Well, actually that's Mr. Peanut photoshopped in there because there's nothing else in Beth's tummy. Except maybe for some coffee and a banana she had for breakfast. In fact, that's not an ultrasound of Beth's womb at all. There's no reason for any such photo to exist, because of course, Beth is not pregnant.



(This is how I feel every morning when I wake up.)

Morning "Boot Camp" 7/20/13

This morning Beth woke me up early to go to the gym. It was my first ever "Boot Camp" class -- and boy was I nervous! We've been eating terribly the last couple months and now that we're back from NYC its time to shed a couple of pounds. No photos today! We looked yukky and sweaty! Beth isn't trying to keep extra pregnancy weight off, nor was she worried about hurting the baby during vigorous exercise. That's because Beth is not pregnant.

Beth Is Not Pregnant. 7/13/13. Her Wedding Day.

Here is Beth two hours after she got married. She is drinking champagne. That's because she is not worried about poisoning a fetus with alcohol. She is not pregnant.

This is Beth late into the night after The Rizzaks concert, also on her wedding day. Here she can be described as "Full On Drunk," and possibly even "Somewhat Trashed." She is in rare form, and quite fun in this state. She is in no danger of having a baby with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, because she is in no danger of having a baby.

She is not pregnant.

More exciting updates to come.